To surrender

Lately shits been hitting the fan. Theres no real polite way to say that, especially when it feels like your world is crashing down around you. For months now...well ok since June really, Ive been chanting, affirming, creating, manifesting, being, living, loving, hoping, intending, and downright praying for the life I desire most. New Years eve and New Years day were ones of calm serenity, filled with contentment and ease, oozing with such perfection of life in practically all avenues....and then I returned to the mainland. Hahaha! But seriously, going home always eases the soul into a more perfected place and helps me to see that life is a beautiful intricate design. A few days after I returned though, everything I had been working for just seemed to disappear. It was more than just offers being taken off the table, it was energetically too. I sat with it for awhile and became numb around bedtime. The next morning I just sort of...lost it. I cried on the inside of my heart feeling nothing....except maybe defeat. I gave up trying to live life the way I want it to be played out. Its been 2 days... and although I caught myself shedding tears over feeling ignored, holed up behind closed doors in the restroom so no one could see/feel my despair, at the same time there is a sense of calmness surrounding me too. Its like not caring works somehow. Am I completely delusional? Or is this some great life propulsion?

I stood at the kitchen sink this morning, washing dishes, feeling slightly angry about it being such a mess until I said, what does it matter Channing? I sighed and felt relief. I continued to scrub tiny soap bubbles over coconut butter smeared spoons and lavendar flowers out of tea cups. I watched the iridescent opal colours of the soap pop into space while some floated up and out of the sink. I felt the hot water slightly scalding my skin. Being in that state of not caring, I just really didnt seem to notice...anything. In one way, it felt good. Clear headed now, no thoughts except soap, water, next dish...it reminded me of reading Thich Nhat Hanh's book on anger and meditating at the sink. Was this where I was at? My mind wandered to the food that was in the dishes I was cleaning and I came to realization.

Realizations are always so amusing. For me, I have this same thought feeling continuously until I have it one more time, that moment when it clicks. Its like hearing the same thing over and over again, but when someone else says it, it somehow makes sense. I guess my inner voices had to say it to me more than once in different contexts before I got it. I had that this morning when I was extremely aware of how persuaded I am by my environment. It came to me that I am a product of what I am directly exposed to on an everyday, every moment basis. How fragile I am! My boyfriend eats junk, I tend to move towards eating junk. Im exposed to irritation, I become easily irritated. I feel the supreme peace of those meditating and I too become at ease. People express being tired and I feel I am exhausted. I recognize that a larger part of me is empathic and that I feel the energies that surround me. Talk about mirroring!

Something to work on....

I try very hard in my life to be an example. Sometimes it is downright exhausting while other times it fills me with purpose. Interesting though that I feel this sense of complete disregard for whatever happens in my life at the moment. I mean, where is the purpose when you just give up and dont care any longer? Funny how the reflection is brought to your awareness when you just let go huh? It sort of appears that what I am going through at the moment is really another tier in the process of getting to know ME. You just have to be clear enough, free enough, have enough slates cleaned to be able to see more clearly. I dont know what this shift is or where its taking me. Honestly, I dont care anymore. I have no more fight in me. And you know what, Im ok with that. Perhaps Im meant to be on the placid lake of existence right now. Maybe just maybe its the calm before the storm...or thats just wishful thinking for my gypsy soul ;) Today though, I surrender. I give up trying to understand it or make sense of it or work towards anything anymore. I dont see the point. Im just another soap bubble...except I feel in my bones, something down way deep towards the fiber of the marrow that doesnt make sense in the mind only in the cells, that by me not caring, by me being a soap bubble, Im the one floating up not knowing where Im going, aimlessly extending towards the higher endless space. And right as my bubble pops, I am awakened by some other marvelous little piece of information that will somehow some way, aide my journey as I progress into the infinite of self.

Is it not caring or a fine line of surrender to a larger picture? Is it disregard or something inside acting as a protecting agent, a buffer for the spirit as it brushes up against a direct path of incomprehension? Is shit hitting the fan or am I inside a soap bubble, looking at the world through another lens, another perspective to gain about myself, others, and the path I am meant to walk... So often I feel this journey that Im destined to wander and crave for its success to happen in the now, yet it continues to be pushed back, not yet able to reach the top stair of its purpose. Who knows what this next course in life is presenting. All I know is, the dishes are dirty again and my irritation isnt as thick. My exhaustion is met with the most comfortable bed to sleep in, and my boyfriend, thankfully, has adopted better eating habits ;)

Happy sudsing :)